Perfect
by Inquisitive
Summary: Dutchy is forced to reveal his relationship with Specs.


Perfect

  


Author: Inquisitive (Ink)

  


Rating: PG-13

  


Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still don't own Newsies. The song "Perfect" belongs to Simple plan.

  


A/N[1]: This story has been on my mind for a while now, so I figured I might as well write it before it drives me insane.

  


  


  


  


Dutchy sighed, defeated. He knew that he would have to tell his father sooner or later, but he had been hoping to put it off for a little while longer. On the way out of his room, he paused in front of the full length mirror hanging on the back of his door, and considered his reflection for a moment.

'How can someone who looks so normal be such a freak?' he asked himself. He studied the boy in the mirror, his blond hair, always perfectly combed, fell neatly framing his face. Blue eyes stared back at him from behind wire rimmed glasses, he always joked with his friends that his eyesight was his one flaw, he knew better now. Next he looked down at his red Converse high tops, the laces of the right sneaker had something against him, and always refused to stay tied. His gaze traveled up his blue jean clad legs, and came to rest on his waist. Despite the belt, his jeans still insisted on just barely clinging to his hips, leaving his boxers showing over the top. He then regarded his shirt, it was nothing fancy, but it was still one of his favorites. It was light blue, and it said "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are small, and taste good with ketchup." Taking a step away from the mirror he grasped the door handle.

'I look like an average kid from any middle class family in America.' he thought to himself, ' so why is my life so fucked up?'

He walked down the hall toward his father's study.

'If I don't do this now, I'll never do it.' he thought as he reached the door.

  


  


**Hey Dad look at me**

**Think back and talk to me**

**Did I grow up according **

**To the plan?**

  


  


Earlier that day in the Principal's office, one phrase kept repeating itself over and over again in his mind. 'Why me?' Dutchy couldn't believe that this was happening to him, it just wasn't fair! He was the school's top basketball star! His father had always wanted him to go into sports, and when Dutchy had taken up basketball to make him happy, it had been great. His father had shown up at every single game, he had even taken time off of his busy work schedule to practice with his son every night in the driveway. Mr. Madison also believed in the importance of good grades, so Dutchy tried as hard as he could in school. He did all of his homework every night, he studied for every test, and he took every extra credit assignment that he could. In fact he was on his way to becoming class valedictorian. He had done everything possible to make his father proud of him, he was never in trouble, he got along with everyone, he got strait A's, and he had collage scouts coming to his basketball games already, despite the fact that he was only a Junior. He was the perfect example of the all-American boy, complete with blond hair and blue eyes. Their was only one problem, although he tried as hard as he could for as long as he could to deny it, Ryan "Dutchy" Madison was gay.

  


  


**Do you think I'm wasting**

**My time doing things I**

**Wanna do?**

**But it hurts when you**

**Disapprove all along**

  


  


He couldn't believe that he and Specs could have been so stupid as to get caught sharing a kiss on school grounds. PDA's were strictly forbidden, now the Principal had given them both a week of detention, and she had threatened to call home. So Dutchy had no choice but to 'come out' to his parents.

The very idea petrified him, not only would he be grounded for getting detention, and yelled at for having to miss basketball practice all week, but after tonight, he feared his parents would never speak to him again. Dutchy was very aware that both of his parents were very homophobic.

Since the eighth grade, Dutchy had been going rapidly from girl to girl. He found that no matter how busy his father was, he would always take the time to hear about Dutchy's girlfriend, and Dutchy craved that attention.

While growing up, he had always been told that boys liking other boys was unnatural, and up until the age of 14, he had believed everything his father had told him. That had all changed when he met Specs. It had started out innocently enough, they became friends, eventually they became best friends, and one boy was hardly ever seen without the other close behind. It was at Dutchy's 16th birthday party that Specs had told him that he had a crush on him.

By then Dutchy had know for a long time that Specs liked other boys, at first, he tried to force himself to be disgusted, after all, thats how his father would have reacted, but he just couldn't. He even found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss Specs. Although he had kissed a few of the girls he had dated, it had never been more than a simple goodnight kiss at the front door when he brought them home. He had a feeling that kissing Specs would be much more than that.

The night when it finally happened, would be a night that he would never forget. He had been spending the night at Specs' house, whose father was out of town, and the boys had had the entire house to themselves.

_"What do you want to do now?" Specs asked, coming out of the kitchen after taking care of the pizza box._

_"I don't know." Dutchy said easily, "It's three o'clock in the morning, we could try sleeping."_

_Specs put a hand over his heart and said in mock shock, _

_"You mean go to bed voluntarily before the sun even comes up? Parish the thought!"_

_Dutchy laughed and threw a pillow at his head. Specs ducked just before it hit him, and snatched his own pillow off of the floor._

_"Hey, no fair." Dutchy said as Specs drew ever closer. "I haven't got any ammunition left!" He whined._

_"You should have thought of that before you threw your pillow at me!" Specs said logically before smacking Dutchy with the pillow Dutchy yelped and grabbed for it, pulling it out of Specs' grasp._

_"So, the tables have turned!" Dutchy shouted merrily as he began clobbering Specs mercilessly with the stolen pillow._

_"Oh yeah, well I still have one advantage." Specs countered._

_"And what might that be?" Dutchy asked, pausing mid-swing and raising an eyebrow curiously._

_"Your ticklish." Specs stated, pouncing on the other boy and attacking the sensitive skin of his ribcage._

_"NO.... Specs.... STOP!" Dutchy managed to get out between fits of giggles. Specs took mercy on him, paused for a minute and looked down at the boy he had been torturing. His blond hair was messy and hung in his face, which was currently flushed bright pink._

_Dutchy slowly gained control of his breathing and looked up at Specs curiously. That was when Specs leaned down and brushed his lips against Dutchy's, a minute later Dutchy was startled to realize he was kissing back._

It had taken him a week to summon up the courage to look either of his parents in the eye again. He was afraid that if he did, they would just know. Of course they hadn't, and Dutchy had never had reason to tell them, until now.

  


  


**And now I try hard to make it**

**I just want to make you proud**

  


  


Dutchy immediately stopped reminiscing when he reached the study door. This was not going to go well, and he knew it. He pulled nervously at the hem of his shirt, debating whether or not he could really do this. Glancing into the kitchen, he saw his mother sitting at the table sipping a cup of tea, and reading one of her romance novels. 'How fuckin' ironic.' He thought bitterly. At least he didn't have to face both of them at once.

He took a deep breath, and let it out, trying to calm his frayed nerves. His brain was racing a mile a minute and he could hear his heart beating in his ears. 'At least if I drop dead from a heart attack I don't have to tell him.' He thought to himself as he knocked politely on the door before him. 

"Come in." He heard his father call from within. He slowly opened the door, and stood quietly in the doorway as his dad finished a phone conversation. He motioned Dutchy over, and he came and stood by the large oak desk.

".... okay, tomorrow morning then.... yeah.... bye." Ryan Madison Sr. finished his call and looked at Dutchy expectantly. "Is there something I can help you with son?" He asked. 'Damn.' Dutchy thought, 'No heart attack.'

"Uh Dad..." He started, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

  


  


**I'm never gonna be good **

**Enough for you**

**I can't pretend that **

**I'm alright**

**And you can't change me**

  


  


"What did you say?" His father all but growled. Only by pure force of will could Dutchy keep his voice from shaking.

"I said I have been seriously dating someone for almost a year... and he's a boy." He took an involuntary step backward as his father's temper flared.

"Are you telling me that your a _queer_?" He shouted. 

Dutchy flinched as if he had been slapped. He had heard his father use that word on many occasions, but it had never been directed at him. The word stung more than he would have liked to admit. 

His father continued yelling at him, using every derogatory word that had ever been invented, or so it felt to Dutchy. He just stayed silent, staring at the carpet, and trying to tune out the man whose word had always been law in this household.

"It's that little fagot with the glasses isn't it?" His father asked, advancing toward him. "I knew there was something wrong with that kid the first time I saw him, he tricked you into this didn't he?" Dutchy's head snapped up at that last remark. He could take the insults directed at himself, he had even been somewhat expecting them, but he would be damned if he was going to listen to his father's opinions of his boyfriend. He felt a surge of anger and surprised himself by shouting,

"You don't know anything about him, so just leave him the fuck alone." His father froze in place.

"What did you say to me?" He asked in a deadly calm tone.

"You heard me." Dutchy said evenly.

"Get out." His father said.

"I thought parents were supposed to love their kids no matter what!" Dutchy shouted.

"Get Out." His father yelled, starting forward again. Dutchy backed up but continued shouting, 

"This is the way I am and nothing you do will ever change that!"

"GET OUT!" His father bellowed, hatred flashing in his eyes.

  


  


**'Cuz we lost it all**

**Nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfectly**

  


"Why did I think you would even try to understand?" Dutchy yelled at the door his own father had just slammed in his face. Tears of anger, betrayal, and fear, streamed down his face, unnoticed. The pain he was feeling was evident in his strained voice. A sob racked his entire frame, and he leaned on the wall across from his father's study to regain his balance. From this perspective, he had a clear view of his mother in the kitchen.

He walked slowly to the doorway, her tea was sitting unfinished on the table next to the book which appeared to have been dropped. His mother was crying softly, her makeup leaving small dark trails down her otherwise flawless cheeks.

"Mom?" Dutchy nearly sobbed.

She ignored him.

Dutchy felt as if his heart were being shredded before his eyes. He needed his mother to tell him that everything would be alright. He needed her to tell him that his father didn't mean those awful things he said. He needed her to hug him, to hold him, to comfort him. Instead she sat there crying softly to herself, and refusing to even look at her only child.

It suddenly became too much for Dutchy to stand. He bolted out of the kitchen and headed strait for his room. He crashed in and slammed the door, leaning up against it. Dutchy could do nothing for several minutes but cry.

  


  


**I try not to think**

**About the pain I feel inside**

**Did you know you used to be **

**My hero?**

**All the days**

**You spent with me**

**Now seem so far away**

**And it feels like you don't **

**Care anymore**

  


  


After awhile, Dutchy moved over to his bed, and sat down. Still more hot tears slipped down his face as he glanced around his room. It was always clean, not one thing was out of place. The bed was always made neatly every morning. He didn't even leave his socks on the floor. The walls and the shelves were covered with awards and trophies, the plaque he got for winning the state wide spelling bee in fifth grade, perfect attendance awards from every single grade since kindergarten, basketball trophies, little league trophies, finally his gaze settled on the framed photograph sitting on his bedside table.

In the picture, a 13 year old Dutchy is standing by his father's side on a dock, proudly holding up the 18 inch rainbow trout which had been their reward for an entire day of fishing. He had reeled it in himself. Dutchy remembered that day perfectly, the look of pride on his father's face when he pulled the fish into the boat, was the same look that his father gave him when he scored the winning point in the first basketball game of the season. It was also the same look that he had given his son as Dutchy and his date had walked out the door on their way to the prom. That look was the one that meant that Ryan Madison Sr.'s son was growing up and becoming a man. That look meant that he was proud that he had succeeded as a father, because his son was perfect.

  


  


**And now I try hard to make it**

**I just want to make you proud**

**I'm never gonna be good **

**Enough for you**

**I can't stand another fight**

**And nothing's alright**

  


  


"Well I'm not perfect anymore, am I?" Dutchy half sobbed, half shouted to the empty room. He looked at the picture one more time before throwing it, full force, across the room. It hit the door, and glass flew everywhere. Moving as if he were in a dream, Dutchy rose to his feet and carefully walked over to what was left of the frame. It was lying face down in a drift of broken glass. He turned it over, looking at it he realized that all of the glass had fallen out save one piece. One jagged shard separated one side of the picture from the other. One more brutal separation between father and son.

  


  


**'Cuz we lost it all**

**Nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry **

**I can't be Perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect **

  


  


Dutchy dropped the picture, and walked quickly over to the window. He hurriedly descended the trellis, which hung on the side of the house, and paused on the front lawn. Looking back toward his house, he saw it for the first time as others must see it. It was an average sized white two-story house which stood in the middle of a good sized yard that was surrounded by a neat white picket fence. His mother's roses were in full bloom, and there was a basketball hoop attached to the front of the garage. They even lived in a nice part of town, with friendly neighbors, and a park only a few blocks away. It was a perfect example of middle class suburbia, but Dutchy knew first hand the secrets buried deep behind this picture of perfection.

Disgusted, he turned his back on the image before him. He walked briskly down the street, his hands jammed deep into his pockets, and his shoulders hunched forward allowing his bangs to fall into his face, blocking any passerby's view of his tear streaked cheeks.

  


  


**Nothing's gonna change **

**The things that you said**

**Nothing's gonna make this**

**Right again**

  


  


'Their never going to look at me the same way ever again.' Dutchy thought as he walked. 'And it's all my fault! Why couldn't I just be normal, like everyone else?' He kicked a pebble as hard as he could and watched it fly down the street. 'I'm sorry Mom and Dad, I never wanted to disappoint you and I didn't mean for this to happen, but I couldn't help it.' He kicked the pebble again, and sighed when it fell into a gutter.

"Please don't hate me." He whispered into the still evening air.

  


  


**Please don't turn your back**

**I can't believe it's hard **

**Just to talk to you**

**But you don't understand**

  


  


'Specs is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was not_ tricked_, and I can not stop seeing him. I need him. When I'm with him I can be myself, I don't have to be the popular kid or the basketball star. I can be goofy with him, I can make mistakes and he won't point them out, or even notice them. We know everything about each other, it's like we were meant to be together. He is funny, and sweet, and smart. He is perfect. Not me. But he accepts me the way I am. With all of my flaws, he still loves me. We belong together! We are PERFECT for each other!' Dutchy thought.

"Why can't you see that!" He yelled back in the direction of his house.

  


  


**'Cuz we lost it all**

**Nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect**

  


  


At last Dutchy found himself outside of Specs' house. He knocked on the door, quickly wiped his face with the back of his hand, and stood nervously waiting for someone to let him in. Specs' father opened the door, and kindly regarded the distraught boy on the doorstep.

"Can I come in? Is Specs here?" Dutchy asked in a horse voice.

"Sure kid." The man said, stepping aside so Dutchy could come in. "James, you got company." He yelled up the stairs, motioning for Dutchy to go on up. Specs came bolting out of his room.

"Dutchy!" He said excitedly. Seeing his boyfriend's face, his excitement quickly faded to worry. He put his arm around Dutchy's waist and guided him back to his room.

"What happened?" Specs asked seriously, his voice full of concern.

"I told him." Dutchy stated simply. 

Specs nodded.

"How'd he take it?"

"Not well." Dutchy nearly whispered.

"Are you okay Dutch?"

"No." Dutchy's control broke, and he collapsed, crying,into Specs' arms. Specs drew the blond closer, holding him tight as he cried onto his shoulder. He murmured soothing words, gently brushing Dutchy's hair away from his face and trying to comfort him. Sounding absolutely miserable and guilty, Dutchy managed to gasp out between sobs,

"I'm sorry I can't be perfect."

Specs pushed him back, and held him at arms length, looking him strait in the eye.

"Nobody's perfect Dutch." He said evenly and sincerely, "And I love you just the way you are." He brushed the tears from Dutchy's cheeks with his thumb, seeing the unchecked emotion on his face, it made him look vulnerable and lost. Dutchy sniffed and Specs pulled him close once again, holding him.

"Can I do anything?" Specs asked gently.

"Just don't let go." Was Dutchy's reply.

Seeing his boyfriend in so much pain made Specs' heart hurt. His own father had been much more accepting, and he couldn't imagine what Dutchy was going through. So he simply held him, comforted him, and was there for him, and hoped that that was enough.

  


  


**'Cuz we lost it all**

**Nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect **

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back **

**I'm sorry**

**I can't be Perfect **

  


  


  


  


  


A/N[2]: Wow, I wasn't expecting it to be that angsty, or that long. Anyway, please review! To anyone who is reading my other stories; Flurry, Scarves icicles and Hot Chocolate, and Newsies Fables, expect new chapters soon! My computer crashed and I lost everything, so as soon as I can find the time to rewrite I will post I promise! Thank you for reading!

~Ink


End file.
